A Lonely Day on the Rooftops
by MintyAlfalfa
Summary: Altair is wandering about the roofs of Jerusalem when something odd happens: a guard respawns! He goes there to check it out, but gets more than he bargained for... rating changed for swearing.
1. Chapter 1

A Lonely Day on the Rooftops

by MintyAlfalfa

Once upon a time, Altair was parkouring around Jerusalem in his usual parkoury way, casually assassinating archers along his path. When he was doing this, however, he noticed that one of the guards he killed respawned.

"What kind of infidel devilry is this?" Altair pondered. "You! The man I just killed! How is it that you have come back to the land of the living?"

The archer said nothing that Altair could understand, because he only spoke French, no Arabic - all he said was, "Sacre bleu!" He scratched his head for a moment, figuring out just what was going on, then warned him to leave the rooftops within the next second or die, then took aim at Altair, who, noticing that he was in danger, descended the building into an empty courtyard.

The courtyard actually was not as empty as he had initially observed. There was a French lady inside, doing some gardening. This lady happened to speak Arabic, but her natural language was French.

"Mon Dieu! C'est un Assassin! Pierre, venir ici!"

Pierre dashed into the courtyard. "Sacre bleu!" he exclaimed, drawing his convenient sword.

Altair made no hesitation in drawing his own anachronistic saber. The bilingual woman shrieked in fear in anticipation on the ensuing sword fight.

Altair easily won. He knelt down and asked the woman if she spoke Arabic.

"Yes, I do," she said in Arabic, stuttering and trembling. "Who- Who are you?"

"I am an Assassin. Did you know that the guard on top of your house is a Templar?"

"Well, yes... he's my son."

"Well, are you a Templar?"

"But of course!"

Altair activated his eagle vision and saw that it was so. He promptly told her the story of how her son was stabbed to death by him and miraculously revived when he came back around, then killed her.

"Urrrggghhh..." the Templar woman groaned before dying.

"Rest in peace, lady," Altair said solemnly. He did not say that to her husband, though.

As he was about to leave the courtyard, he noticed a shiny gold medallion around the French lady's neck. This identified her as the Madame de Pinotnoir, his target of the day. Rejoicing at this amazing stroke of luck, he rubbed some of her blood on a feather and headed out to lunch.


	2. The New and Exciting Second Chapter!

A Lonely Day on the Rooftops

The Exciting Second Chapter!

By MintyAlfalfa

Altair was having some delicious lunch, consisting of nothing because it was Ramadan (although he wasn't religious), when he noticed something else strange: the lady he just killed had respawned! What was this incredible conspiracy?

"Son of a none!" Altair exclaimed. "How is she alive! Infidel devil!"

"Hey, you! Woman I just killed!"

The woman made no reply, as even though she spoke Arabic, she did not speak it well enough to understand the droning of the crowd.

"Woman! Hey, come here!"

The woman reacted not to Altair's words, but to their sheer volume. Although he had been trained to be more silent than a mouse, he was capable of speaking in a very commanding voice.

"Mon Dieu! C'est un Assassin!"

Altair felt a strange sense of deja vu when she said this. During his confusion, the woman started running off, getting a head start. However, being an Assassin, he caught up with her after 20 or so paces and stopped her in her tracks.

"How is it that you are alive!"

"What? What do you mean! I was born, that's how! I am not understanding!"

Altair realized what was happening. She did not know that she had been revived, nor did she remember her death.

"Well, woman, are you Madame de Pinotnoir?"

"Yes," she said frankly, sassily putting her hands on her hips.

"Then you shall die!"

"Oh no you di'in't!" This time, having a chance to react while not in shock from the death of her husband (who had probably respawned as well), she drew a small knife from her back pocket. However, she was easily bested by the better-trained Assassin. He dipped his trusty feather into her blood once again and sneaked out of the city. He mounted a horse and rode off for Masyaf, having a new and exciting story to tell Malik and al-Mualim.

**And so there marks the end of the New and Exciting Chapter Two!**

**My other stories are going to be updated soon... at some point...**


	3. The Depressing Third Chapter

A Lonely Day on the Rooftops

The Depressing Third Chapter

By MintyAlfalfa

**This chapter is very depressing...**

Altair rode home to find that... his home was on FIRE!

Everything, the whole town, on FIRE!

His best friends, Malik and al-Mualim, on FIRE!

"Oh, no! My dear and true friends! What infidel devil has done this! Do not fear, I will certainly avenge you!"

"Actually, Altair, we aren't _quite_ dead yet," the two said in unison.

"Well... I will avenge you for your mortal injury!"

"Actually, we could probably go on. We feel quite alright."

"Well... um... I'll avenge you for this non-fatal injury, then! Never fear!"

"That's the second time you said that, Altair," al-Mualim said alone this time. As his mentor, he felt compelled to correct him on such matters.

"Oh. Well then. I feel quite foolish."

"As you should."

"I'll just be avenging you, then."

"Don't let us hold you," Malik chimed in.

"Mm-hmm."

Thus Altair left that awkward situation to put out the fire and find the infidel devils who started it. While he was riding aimlessly around the wilderness between towns, hoping for some Templars to appear, he managed to grasp the full gravity of his situation.

He slowed down a little. Then he slowed down some more. And a little more. And then he came to a compete stop, much to the awe of the villagers who were used to him galloping at full speed and running over some of them whenever he came by.

He realized that his home was being burned down, and that he would never see all the... actually, most of everything was made of stone in Masyaf, and he wouldn't miss much, except for maybe some paintings and some maps and records. So there was a loss of information, which would put everything in disarray for a little while, but he wouldn't really lose anything of sentimental value...

Except for all his love letters to his European girlfriend! He began to bawl, and then he got run over by a passing Templar, which caused him to fall off his horse, but he hardly noticed, because he was so entrapped in his own despair.

And thus the mighty Assassin was felled by some burnt love letters in Arabic.

**End of the Holy and Depressing Chapter Third!**


	4. The Respiratory Fourth Chapter

A Lonely Day on the Rooftops

The Respiratory Fourth Chapter

By Minty Alfalfa

Altair couldn't really find the rascals who started the fire. Meanwhile, Desmond was getting bored wandering around aimlessly. Vidic decided it was time for him to take a little break...

"Alright, Desmond, get out of there."

"Urghuuarrgghhh..." Desmond groaned. Lucy rolled her eyes.

"Take a nap, if you want. There are some Twizzlers on the bed," breathed Vidic.

"Ooh! Twizzlers!"

Desmond skipped gaily into his room, instantly forgetting his tiredness. He began to munch happily on three Twizzlers at a time. Apparently, starving during Ramadan in the Animus made him hungry in real life...

Lucy crept into the room, watching Desmond gorge himself. She sighed and left the room, without him noticing she was ever there.

"Oh, Lucy~!" Vidic singsonged.

Lucy went back into Desmond's room and promptly shut the door. She sighed once more, and said hi to Desmond.

"Oh, *munch* hi *munch* Lucy..."

"You still eating those?" Lucy was slightly disgusted by, but nonetheless still highly attracted to him.

"Well, you'll have to get back in the Animus pretty soon."

Desmond put down the bag of Twizzlers, swallowed heavily, and looked at Lucy earnestly. "Do I really have to go back in there?"

"Yes."

"Wonderful... Did I hear Vidic calling you?"

"Ummm... no?"

"What's with Vidic, anyway? Is he a creeper or something?"

"In a sense, yes."

Lucy led him back to the room, telling him he could have more Twizzlers soon. Desmond smiled to himself.

"Alright, Desmond, get back in," Vidic said in a gruff tone not indicative of his creeper-ness.

Desmond wordlessly laid down in the futuristic machine. Some flashing lights blinded him, and soon he was looking from the perspective of a starving Assassin searching for pyromaniacal infidel devils.

"I wish I had something to eat..." The sun would set after a few more hours, but Altair didn't think he could take it. The only people who served food were Templars and Jews - but there weren't any Jewish restaurants in his memory.

"I should just return home. Malik and Al-Mualim are certainly waiting for me."

The Son of None rode to his burnt home, hoping the sun would set on his way there. He wondered if he had any snacks in his bag. When he searched through the bag, though, he noticed that the Madame de Pinotnoir's feather was missing!

"Oh, infidel _devil_!" Altair sighed heavily.


	5. The Question Raising Fifth Chapter

A Lonely Day on the Rooftops

The Question-Raising Fifth Chapter

By MintyAlfalfa

Altair rode back into Jerusalem, starving to death, his horse better-fed than him, cursing the world and its cruel trickery. He reckoned that the woman probably respawned by now (it happened twice already, so why wouldn't it happen again?).

While he was sneaking into Jerusalem, though, he made an incredible fail on a jump, and was caught by some guards. And they weren't just any guards - they were Templars.

"Infidel devil!" he yelled disproportionately early. He was quickly being surrounded. He managed to get one or two of them, but found himself overwhelmed. The only way out was up.

In one incredibly over-the-top motion, he ran up and hopped onto one of the guards' chests, using it as a springboard to get to an overhanging bar, which he pulled himself up to the top of. He then began a heroic series of hops onto consecutive bars, all while dodging arrows. Finally, he grandiosely leaped into the saddle of an already-moving horse, and galloped off into the secluded wilderness area.

"Whew! That was closer than I imagined it could be!" Altair exclaimed to no one in particular.

Then he realized that he was lost in the woods.

"My lack of God!" he exclaimed to the trees and squirrels and things.

_What am I to do?_, he thought. There really wasn't anything to do. He had ridden in a straight line... or, at least he thought he did. At the time, the only thing on his mind was escaping.

He began to wander around in circles for a while, but he got tired. Not knowing what to do or where to go, he simply gave up and sat down to die peacefully. His stomach was grumbling wildly. The sun had set. There was nothing in sight. He saw several herbs, but in his confusion could not determine which ones were safe to eat and which ones weren't. It started raining. He closed his eyes.

"Infidel devilry... has brought me here...! What further trials must I face!"

Then, a light appeared before him. The light began to take the form of an Assassin like himself, but with more fancy sashes and decorations, and more Italian-looking.

"I am going insane..." Altair breathed.

"Cosa?" the foreign Assassin asked. "Che genere di infedele diavoleria è questa?"


	6. The Question Not Answering Sixth Chapter

A Lonely Day on the Rooftops

The Question-Not-Answering Sixth Chapter

By MintyAlfalfa

"What?" Altair could not attribute this mysterious occurence to anything other than his own hunger-induced insanity.

"Non ho idea di quello che stai dicendo!" the misty Assassin exclaimed, his voice distorted as if it were some kind of glitch in the Animus. Speaking of that...

Desmond was freaking out. What was happening before him was pure madness. He wasn't sure if any of this had actually happened or if the Animus was playing tricks on his mind. He wanted to get out, but he couldn't move or speak. He looked around. The simulated sky was clouded with esoteric chemical formulas and ominous 1s and 0s. Outside of his realization, Lucy and Vidic were scrambling to get him out.

"Just yank him out of there!" Vidic ordered.

"He's heavy!" Lucy complained.

"You... grra... aghhh..."

Vidic facepalmed and awkwardly grabbed Desmond by the legs. With some effort, he pulled him out from under the little transparent curvy thingy that covered his face when he was in the Animus.

"What in the name of God did you see in there?" the angry scientist asked while Desmond regained realization of the world around him.

"Whaa... I'm dizzy..."

"What the _fuck_ did you see in there, Desmond?" He unnecessarily violently grabbed him by the wrist, but the poor hungry Assassin-to-be passed out on the Animus.

"Piece of_ shit_!"

"Thank you for changing the rating all on your own, sir," Lucy sarcastically bantered after a moment of awkward silence.

...

A FEW HOURS LATER

...

"Oh, my head..." Desmond complained.

"Stop complaining. We already ran tests on you. You were fine three hours ago, you're fine now," Lucy said firmly. "You're getting back in the Animus."

"It's glitched! How do you know I won't be in that crazy negative world as soon as I get back in there?"

"...Look... just get back in. It won't happen. You can at least take my word for it."

"You expect me to take _your_ word?" Desmond muttered to himself as he got back into the Animus.

He once again saw the flashy lights, closed his eyes, and when he opened them again, he was an Assassin, and surely enough, his stomach was full and he was outside of the trippy forest.

"I must return to Masyaf with my new bloody feather."

The new bloody feather was slathered in the blood of a respawned Madame de Pinotnoir. When he was finished observing it, he rode off once again, this time trampling civilians as he normally did, the world completely returned to how it was...


	7. The I and UV Seventh Chapter

A Lonely Day on the Rooftops

The Insane and Unnecessarily Violent Seventh Chapter

By MintyAlfalfa

"What happened?" Altair thought to himself. "I was in that forest earlier, with that man who looked like me except fancier... My mind is all astray."

Suddenly, a pretty female Assassin sashayed past to distract him from his deeper thoughts.

"Apprentice! You are not hidden in plain sight! Allow me to teach you the art of blending in," he called out to her.

"I pay no mind to you, Altair! And I'm not an apprentice! Also, don't you have a European girlfriend?" she responded.

"..." Altair nothinged. The pretty female Assassin continued to strut as she did before. Some Templars noticed her and promptly sliced her into two clean, even parts. Then they held up her torso by the hair (which was noticeably uncovered) and shook it about. Finding nothing, they searched her pockets and pocketed a bloody feather she had hidden away.

"Le gasp! So ze Hashashin 'oo keeled Madame et Monsieur Pinotnoir was a woman! Zat certainly contradicts the statemants made by ze witnesses! Let us keel zem for lying in a court of God!" the leading Templar exclaimed.

"Monsieur, are you not, er, 'ow you say, zhumping to conclusions?" one of them asked foolishly.

"Silence, you fooel!" The Templar sliced the voice of dissent as he sliced the Assassin... or so he thought. The one who said it was actually behind him. Not that any of them said anything.

"Infidel devil! I'd better get out of here!" whisper-shouted Altair, who was watching the brutal slapstick sequence from a nearby haystack.

He climbed out of the haystack and then stealthily ran like hell behind a building to remain out of a guard's line of sight.

"Hey, what's that?" a guard dumbly asked the air around him. Altair began the frustrating sequence of rounding corners to remain out of the meandering guard's view. After several seconds, the guard gave up and returned to his post to ponder his own insanity. For his own pleasure, Altair stuck his hand out past the corner just enough for the guard to see and flipped the eagle. Alarmed, the guard once again began his slow crawl around the building while Altair darted around the next corner. When he finally gave up for the second time, he was thoroughly scared and convinced that he was out of his mind. He informed another guard that he thought he had been possessed by the devil. This other guard panicked and killed him in response.

Altair snickered, killed the other guards manually, and rode off to the nearest town.


End file.
